There's always gonna be another mountain...

"i'm always gonna wanna make it move.
Always gonna be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose..."

So I am in the middle of writing a critical analysis essay on The Climb, and I think the universe is trying to inspire me...although I wish it wouldn't. I was supposed to go to NC this weekend to see my family, whom I haven't seen in more than a year, but I didn't get the time off work. Although, my boss said if i could trade shifts with people, it would be fine. Being at Customer Service though, there are only 5 of us total to trade with. So, I got all of my shifts covered...except for one. Saturday...the freaking middle of my trip. WTF!?!?

I am absolutely exhausted these days, and I need that break. But nope...just another lost battle. So now I will continue with my 30hr work week, and continue going to school full time. I am physically and emotionally drained, and I can't help but wonder how much longer I will last like this. It's al way too much. I can't handle this.

And to top it all off, my parents say I need to get a life and go out more. When exactly should I get a life?! I get up between 6 and 7 every morning, 7 days a week, go to school until 2:45 and then work 3-11 5 days a week. When do I get time to sit down and breathe, let alone do hw, do chores, "get a life", or even sleep? I don't have that kinda time. I'm sooo stressed, that just writing this, I'm having a breakdown.

But I think what pisses me off the most, is that I take shifts whenever I am called. If I'm not in school or already scheduled, I'll cover any shift they need. I never miss shifts, I'm never late, I get along with everyone, but the one time I need someone to cover for me, there's no one in sight. Its a freakin ghost town. What the fuck EVER...I'm just done caring. I guess it only gets worse from here.

I'm Back....I think. =)

So I think I've fallen out of this cloud that I've been in. I realized that it was all just some sort of fantasy, and I have no real feelings for him. I guess thats life. But I seem to be in a bit of a pickle still...

How do I tell him all this? Although I have a feeling that he probably feels the same, I'm not sure how to just say it. I mean, I don't wanna be too straightforward, and seem mean...but at the same time, I need to get the point across.

Something else to figure out for another day. Right now, I'm just relieved to have made a decision about anything. =)

Peace and Love,
Haileyyy

Uncertainty...

So over the last couple days I've gone from certain, to not so sure, and then back again. Its been a roller coaster of emotions. I don't know what I should do anymore, in all honesty. But is that a sign? I just don't know.

On the one hand, I feel like I know him...but on the other hand, I haven't known him very long, so how much could I possibly know about him?! My mind never rests anymore...it's impossible to sleep, because I am completely and utterly confused. I keep coming back to my family and friends, and what they will think...but how much should that matter? I know, to some extent, I need their approval. Afterall, they are a major major part of my life. I can't ignore their opinions.

But what about how I feel? How do I feel? Damnit, I'm so confused. This shouldn't be that dificult...maybe it is a sign, that it's simply not meant to be. I need some serious help...forreal. Will I regret either decision? Who knows. But my biggest fear is that if I say yes, I'll regret it...but at the same time, if I say no, I'll regret not taking a chance. I don't take any chances. Is now a good a time as any? Somebody just tell me what to do....

Who decides the appropriate age difference for a couple?

Is there a council?
If so, I want to be on it.

I never really thought about it a whole lot until recently.
I recently started talking to a guy who is 11 years older than me. At first it wasn't supposed to be anything at all. We just talked, and I humored him. But then it became something more. I want to be with him...a lot. But everytime I begin to consider the possibility, I thin of my dad.
I remember a time when a woman at our church married a man much older than her, and my dad did nothing but disapprove. His words were, "If he is marrying her, there is something wrong with him because they could have nothing that in common that he would want to. He must have some other motive." That's all I can think about whenever I consider being with this man. I'm at a crossroads.

I am now an adult, and can make my own decisions. He can't tell me what to do. But he's still my daddy. I want him to approve of the person I am with. I love him. I can't live without him in my life.

But why should I have to choose?!

This brings me back to the council...if there is one out there somewhere. I want to be on it, so that I can say that love shouldn't have perameters. It should encompass all. Gender, Age, Race, Sexuality...none of this should matter when it comes to love. Not to say that I think I love him...because I certainly don't know that. But thats beside the point. Why are we discriminating so intensely, when as a country, we have worked so hard to eliminate it? Why can't people simply mind their own business, and love one another?

It is rediculous for anyone to say that any kind of love is wrong, or sinful. If you take your reasoning from the bible, you are a hypocrite. I would be willing to bet that you wear clothes made of mixed fibers. Is that wrong? No. Not by today's standards at all. We have Macy's Dillards Target Abercrombie and Fitch...etc.

Women today have rights. We are teachers, leaders, money-earners. That's ok, right? Sure. Susan B. Anthony fought for those rights, alongside thousands of others. Today, women are viewed as equals to men. Correct? Yes.

We don't discriminate against dwarfs, cripples, or the disabled, do we? I didn't think so...that would not only morally wrong, but it's against the law if I am correct. And I am.

So why do we pick and choose from the bible what is sinful, based on how we feel? How is that ok? Love is love. It's not the worlds business what to people do with their lives.

Who died and made you God?!

Haha, that went totally off topic, but I felt it should be said. =)

-Peace and Love,
Hailey